dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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