I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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