Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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