I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
