i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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