I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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