i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I will pee on everything he values.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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