my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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