whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
