I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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