Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
