threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize