tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I think I just sharted jello shots
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