I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
