Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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