I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize