I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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