Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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