Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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