Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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