I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
