Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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