You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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