she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize