Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
