He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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