someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
try to milk me bitch
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
