We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
