So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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