I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
