Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
