Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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