I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
