My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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