you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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