I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
