She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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