I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
