i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
