i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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