I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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