so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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