he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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