You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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