no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
