dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize