I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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