i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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