dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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