You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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