im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
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