my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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