its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize