If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
