I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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