your thong is hanging out like whoa
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
