I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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