you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
