so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
